Troy not alone in New York

[theplaymaker]

When Kelsi arrived at Chad's dorm she was out of breath, but at least it hadn't taken her long. She still couldn't quite wrap her mind around it. Troy? Here? That was just crazy. But somehow, at the same time, so very, very Troy.

She knocked at the door and waited for him to open, debating how to greet him. Was hugging inappropriate, so soon after everything? Whatever. He'd just have to deal.

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[hoopsandharmonies]

He definitely got it. He'd tackle the whole thing with his father once he had food but currently he was more interested in Kelsi. "Saying that you're just writing is like saying I'm just playing basketball or Ryan's just acting. It's a huge part of who we are, and that part's always going to constantly change. I guess I just want to know how much."

[theplaymaker]

"I don't know. Writing always feels different, but not because I change. Only depends on what I write. I'm not special the way you are or Ryan is, but I can write and imagine what it'd be like to be anyone doing anything and that's more than enough change." As their food was ready Kelsi stepped forward to take her order, looking around. "Do you wanna keep walking or sit down?"

[hoopsandharmonies]

He was close to telling her to stop telling him he was special, but he shut up again. "It's because you have the biggest imagination out of all of us. You know that. You can create worlds and people and events, and Ryan creates the motions. That's why you two are the artists and the rest of us are the canvas."

He grabbed his food, looking at it briefly before glancing outside.

"Somewhere outside we can sit?

[theplaymaker]

"You make for a very beautiful canvas." Kelsi laughed, then nodded, leading the way back outside. "We could go back to the campus, might make meeting Chad easier." She looked at Troy from the side, then decided to just go for it. "How long are you gonna stay?"

[hoopsandharmonies]

"Why thank you." He couldn't help the small mock-bow that came after that as he followed the girl back outside. He broke off a piece of the waffle, putting it in his mouth to fill the void of not answering immediately.

"Not sure yet. I've got time to hang out for a while..." Which of course wasn't true, but it wasn't that much of a lie either. "Maybe a week or two, maybe longer. "

[theplaymaker]

"If you need any help figuring things out, ask me." It was the closest she got to just calling him on his bullshit. She bumped him from the side while starting to eat her own waffle while they walked back the way they'd come from.

"I like having you here. Piece of East High."

[hoopsandharmonies]

He knew better than to try and bullshit Kelsi. Trying to bullshit Kelsi was like trying to tell Sharpay never to wear pink ever again. He just went through the motions, giving her a little grin as he nodded to himself.

"...somewhere...not so open, okay?" He murmured around a piece of waffle before swallowing, clearing his throat to speak louder.

"It's been way too long since I've seen you guys. You especially, I didn't get to see you much at Ryan's thing back home. That's sort of the downside of graduation, huh?"

[theplaymaker]

"Don't worry, there is plenty of space to hide out. I tend to go for those places anyway." She nodded at his question, smiling slightly. "It's a bittersweet thing. I wish we could all have stayed at the same place. But on the other hand, I think it's necessary to meet new people and make new experiences in order to move forward."

[hoopsandharmonies]

"Some of us did stay in the same place though and they're changing. Look at Chad. Look at Sharpay and Zeke..." He wasn't going to comment about spaces to hide. He knew Kelsi understood and that was good enough for him. "But then there's you and there's Ryan and there's me and--well, everybody, I guess. We couldn't stop it if we tried."

He fell silent again, just following behind her while eating with one hand and sticking fairly close by. It was a lot more comfortable than he felt in the last few days (not counting Chad. Chad always counted. Usually.)

[theplaymaker]

"There's more than one way of staying in the same place, Troy. Do you think you've really moved from your place since graduation? Other than physically." She slowed down enough to be able to watch Troy's face, mostly just so she'd know if she said something too much, something Troy wasn't ready to deal with yet.

[hoopsandharmonies]

He remained silent again, eyes shifting to look at his food instead of at Kelsi. The deeper in the conversation they got, the more confused he was becoming.

"...probably not," he admitted. "It's weird. Everybody else is changing around me and I'm not. Why?" It went back to Chad changing, and especially to what Gabriella said. Two different directions.

It was probably appropriate to shove a large bite of frozen yogurt in his mouth then.

[theplaymaker]

"I suppose maybe you feel like you're not changing because you didn't really want to change anymore. All set." With Gabriella and a new plan for the future. "But most of us aren't like that, so we're still figuring things out. Doesn't mean we will change completely. Just adjust."

[hoopsandharmonies]

She was correct. Troy had blazed through the trail and changed and evolved until he was in a happy place. And now, currently, that happy place had been lit on fire and crumbled around him and he didn't know which direction to grow into.

"…Kelsi let me ask you something. What is it that you really want to do with your life? Do you know?"

[theplaymaker]

"No," she admitted right away, as she kept eating, "I don't know. I want a lot of things, but I also play it by ear a little. I didn't think I'd make it here, then when I started to hope I would I did try really hard. Now I'm here and just trying to keep up."

She paused for a moment before continuing. "I know I want to keep writing, composing, I want my musicals to be performed. And maybe I'll date someone eventually. Who's not a gay guy."

[hoopsandharmonies]

It was about that moment that Troy realized just how different he was from the rest of his friends. It was startling, a little unsettling actually. Had he really been so far ahead that now he felt behind? Was that even possible?

"…you think it's okay not to know then?"

That's what it all came down to, really. Troy had grown up having to have a plan with Coach drilling it into his head that he had to have his future mapped out. And he thought it was cool to be in charge of his future…until it actually happened. Now he sort of wished somebody else was controlling it.

"I know what I want but I think I have to change some stuff." He paused, nibbling at the waffle again. There was a small smirk though.

"Question. Did you know Ryan was gay before you guys dated?"

[theplaymaker]

"I think it's completely okay. This is the time to figure things out, don't you think? That's part of growing up."

She grabbed Troy's arm as she turned the corner, getting away from the street to campus.

"Did I know... It's complicated. I thought he was, before he asked me out. He's been in love with Chad for a year at that point and I thought that was pretty obvious, other hints aside. But he also actually..." Kelsi paused as she tried to think of how to word this. "He actually liked me. And really wanted to like me that way. And he put on a very convincing act for a while, even to himself. He was very upset when we agreed on his gayness."

[hoopsandharmonies]

For being a small girl, Kelsi had a surprisingly strong grip and Troy found himself grimacing a bit as they turned toward the NYU campus again.

"…I don't know, maybe." He rolled a piece of waffle around on his tongue just to give him space to think before he spoke. "I sort of had my future planned by the time I was ten, and then everything changed during senior year and everything was replanned. I've never really had to figure stuff out, everything sort of just…was. Coach and I planned for the future really early and I just made some adjustments." There's a lot still unsaid, but he was getting there.

He watched her for a moment, trying to analyze what she was saying and apply it to what he knew about Ryan and Chad. His eyebrows raised suddenly at the revelation, though again, now that he knew it wasn't that surprising. Of course Ryan had been in love with Chad for a year. The Evans twins clung to whatever they wanted.

"…didn't think it was possible for a gay guy to like girls." He realized it was an ignorant statement, but it was also the truth. "I mean Chad and Taylor never really…I didn't realize it until later how un-alike they were and then he didn't stop talking about Ryan for a while and I should have figured it out sooner. But I didn't think you and he were actually…you know. Seriously dating. I think I offended him when I brought it up a few months ago." There was another pause again as something occurred to him.

"I get why he was upset. But were you?"

[theplaymaker]

"Maybe you need to make a few more adjustments," Kelsi said quietly while she walked toward a specific bench where usually no one sat, just far enough away from the main routes to get some quiet.

"Ryan still likes me, just not that way. It's easy to confuse ways of liking someone with each other." Kelsi shrugged, then considered the question, licking up some yogurt before replying. "I figured it out before he did, so that helped. And I love him, I do, and he's gorgeous and amazing and having his attention is like when the sun shines just for you, but he's not really what I'd want in a boyfriend, once that wears off. Even if he wasn't gay."

[hoopsandharmonies]

He saw where they were headed and chose not to speak until they were settled on their bench. He pulled his knees up to his chest, sitting sideways to face her and balance the plate of food in his lap as he pondered that.

"I don't know about that. I think I've made more than enough adjustments to earn me a lifetime of questions." The answer was a little more bitter than he would have liked, but he didn't acknowledge it as bitter. It was fact. He'd made choices, Coach and Chad initially hadn't liked those choices. Chad had gotten over them. Coach…not so much. "I don't really think the adjustments I want to make are gonna fly."

He just stared at her for a moment, expression blank as his mind wrapped around that concept. "But you think he's fine for Chad?" Chad and Kelsi were two totally different people and it was obvious that he was a little more defensive of him than her. He loved them both dearly, of course, but Chad was his brother and Ryan had still fucked up. A lot. "I'm not even sure how it happened…one day Chad was dating Taylor and everything seemed normal and the next I get an email that Ryan had dumped him. Okay there were a few months in between but it was still the fact that he apparently started having an interest in guys, got a boyfriend, and got dumped by that boyfriend before I even found out." He stabbed at another bite of waffle, mostly letting the frozen yogurt melt to make a syrupy, sugary mess. "He also lied to me which was weird. I mean I get why now but when I was talking to him a couple of weeks before that he straight-up lied to me about Ryan so…" He shrugged.

"…if you don't want Ryan as a boyfriend, what would you want?" Maybe Kelsi's answer would help him figure out Gabriella's whole thing.

[theplaymaker]

"They just have to fly with you, Troy. Everyone else is going to have to learn how to deal." Kelsi laughed and shook her head. "Ryan is different when he's with Chad. That's why Chad freaked out so much when Ryan freaked out on him before, because he doesn't usually do that around him, with him, not like that. I don't know what happens with Ryan when they're together, but they have a way of talking to each other that works. And Ryan finally figured out that that's not a terrifying thing, so I think they can make it work." She nodded. "I know. You know he told Ryan he lied to you, because he didn't feel good about it. But you know how long that lasted. He'd have told you soon, anyway. He didn't want to lie to you, he just didn't want things between you to change."

She was silent at his next question, focusing on eating her food as she tried to think of how to answer it. Ah, well. "I want Jason. I don't know why."

[hoopsandharmonies]

"I'm pretty sure my dad's not going to fly with what I want to do, Kelsi." He looked amused, but the answer was point-blank and serious. That's a lot of what everything came down to. "And I guess Gabriella didn't want to learn to deal either."

Hastily shoving some yogurt in his mouth he just raised an eyebrow. Ryan was…Ryan. Ryan was like Sharpay and the twins as a whole were a little too crazy for Troy to handle but…then again. While Chad had grown closer to Ryan, Troy and Sharpay had formed a really weird alliance that allowed him to sort of get a grasp on what was going through the blonde's head. It still didn't make a ton of sense.

"I hope so. For whatever reason Chad's really happy with him. Well, as happy as they can be when they're several states apart…I'm not dumb. I can see it on his face when he's emailing him." A beat. "He told me that Ryan was his Gabriella. That's pretty serious even if I don't get how that's possible when they're so different. Maybe they're not that different, I don't know. I just don't get why he lied to me when he knew I wasn't going to care that much. I mean whatever, he's gay. Fine. But I'm just…what if I could have done something before they broke up? They made out on my bed, Kelsi, I wasn't that surprised to hear it a few weeks later. I don't want things to change but everything changed anyway when I wasn't looking and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

And now that he was talking, it was clear there was no sign of Troy stopping just yet.

"Everybody's changed around me and suddenly it's like I don't fit into their lives anymore. Chad has Ryan and New York and he gave up playing for the Red Hawks and he's telling me about classes and social work and this whole new life that doesn't even fit with what I thought but it makes sense, and it scares me that it makes sense. And then Taylor's being amazing at Yale and kicking all sorts of political science butt but she's dating this guy who's apparently like fifty million times smarter than Chad and she talks to Gabi in this whole other language I can't even understand about politics and world issues and feminism and if I have to have a dictionary next to me next time I write her an email I'm going to scream.

Sharpay changed, too. I think we're actually friends now? I think she finally lost interest in me because we're talking and we compare notes and she's not that bad, she's just lost and she's actually kind of unhappy? She won't say it, but she's not as bitchy as usual which has to mean she's not too satisfied. Zeke's the same but even he's growing and changing and he's getting a lot more confident and he knows exactly where he's going with his career.

Even you kind of have a sense of what you want to do with your life. Write. Music. Create. That's you, Kelsi, and you're doing it and you don't have anything stopping you and it's great, it's actually great.

…and Gabriella…" He finally ran out of steam, idly picking at his food as he looked away. How to describe what Gabriella said to him?

"…I'm not smart enough to keep up with her. I know that. I know she's practically a genius and she's suddenly this…weirdly sophisticated and poised person around her friends and when she's with me it's like we're back at East but ever since this year started she's become less of that and more…kinda more like Taylor, actually. Using all of these big words and talking all of this legal jargon I can't even pretend to understand and telling me about these people she's met and the things that happen at Stanford and…I don't fit. I don't fit there because she's throwing herself in academically and I'm focused on theatre and sports and my own school work and she told me that high school was great because we were always together but now we're not and we don't have a lot in common anymore. Something changed. She changed, I didn't, and now I don't fit. I don't fit anywhere and that's why I'm not the Captain."

He finally stopped talking, just letting the words hang awkwardly in the air because that was not exactly what he meant to derail into. But like any good basketball player, he attempted to recover.

"…Jason, huh? Does anybody know why anybody wants someone else?"

[theplaymaker]

Being a girl really was great. It meant Kelsi could just reach over after Troy was finally done with letting it all out and wrap her arms around him without feeling awkward about it. She held on for a while, keeping away from the big topics and replying to the last question for the moment

"I don't know, I usually do know such things. Just not with myself, I guess." She reached up to pet Troy's hair, because for one thing it was hard to pass up the opportunity to touch Troy Bolton's hair and for another he seemed to be needing any comfort he could get.

"There's more than one way of being smart, Troy. You're very smart. And Gabriella is trying to keep up with the new people she met, you realize that, right? She wants to fit in, too. And maybe that's why she needs to figure things out. That doesn't mean that you can't be together again."

[hoopsandharmonies]

He had moved his plate enough to allow for the extra space Kelsi suddenly took up. It wasn't too terribly surprising that he was receiving attention from both her and Chad but at the same time he wasn't sure this is what he needed. Wanted, yes, absolutely, but he needed to get his head back in the game. He could already hear his dad drilling pep talks in his head about his future and it was kind of harder to ignore now that his future was changing again.

So instead of trying to pull away he just sort of stayed where he was in Kelsi's arms, allowing a hand to pet his hair and coddle him as he allowed his thoughts to drift in and out.

"…pianos and puppies. I think I get it now." It was sweet in a weird way. But that was also Jason to a T. Sweet in a weird way. Troy had seen what Jason was capable of in terms of self-awareness (because hey, he didn't know the stuff about dolphins), and he knew that they were friends…and he knew that Jason would have taken Kelsi to the prom if Ryan hadn't beaten him to the punch. Somehow Troy had become a secret-keeper for a lot of the Wildcats. "You and me are similar that way, huh? We know how to fix everything for everybody but ourselves."

As soon as she started talking about Gabriella though he went stiff in her arms, clearly still a little unnerved by the conversation. Gabriella was such a sensitive subject.

"I know. I know she is but why couldn't she…" He didn't have a very valid argument. "I could fit in if she let me. I know Gabriella's always wanted to fit in and I know that was her thing at East but…" He was having a hard time really explaining everything, and he knew that there was a lot he should be telling Chad, not Kelsi, but Chad had his own stuff to figure out and Troy was mostly at a loss.

"I love California, but it's not New Mexico. I'm kind of out of my league, too." Troy knew he was a big fish in a small pond back home, but at UCB he was just a little fish in a goddamn ocean and it was mildly terrifying. "I just wish she'd talk to me about it instead of making decisions by herself."

And then suddenly things started falling into place in his head. Whether they were correct or not, he didn't have a clue, but they were scary possibilities. There was a sharp inhale through his nose and his grip on Kelsi tightened a bit so she couldn't pull back to look at his face.

"…maybe she met somebody else that helped her fit in better."

[theplaymaker]

It didn't surprise Kelsi that the possibility hadn't occurred to Troy before. It seemed so obvious, but it would be beyond painful for him to even consider. It was beyond painful for him right now.

Kelsi kindly told the voice in her head that was starting to compose a song to shut up and stop being insensitive because she was trying to be a good friend here. Sometimes being who she was really wasn't all that easy.

"I don't know if she has, Troy. But it's possible. But even if she hasn't and things will be back to normal soon, at the very least this helped you realize some things you might not have otherwise. You can't just live for her, Troy. It's not good for you and not fair to her, either. Do you know what I mean?"

[hoopsandharmonies]

Painful barely began to cover it, honestly. Now that the possibility was there there was the whole plethora of emotions and insecurities that crept up to the surface much like they had a few years ago when he had tough decisions to make. Indecision never really was Troy's best friend and right now it clung to him like a second skin.

Gabriella would have said something, wouldn't she? Why would she even be looking at other guys? He was so good about not looking at other girls (though the helpful part of his brain supplied it was because he was so happy with her that there was no need to.) Did that mean she wasn't happy with him? He could fix that. He could fix that if she told him what was going on but she was hiding things from him and that's what was driving him crazy and it didn't even occur to him how brutal this was when his entire life was shaped around Gabriella and why couldn't she see that this was not the answer when all they really had to do was just--

Ow. There was a deep, painful stab in his chest suddenly as he remained stuck on that thought.

"…I'm not just living for her but we talked about this, Kels…we planned our future together. Why's that so bad?"